SUCCESS

So i was sitting on my porch this morning and i had a thought...and this is basically how it went in my head
mm coffee...cigarette...balcony...balcony of success [silent gasp]. Kandi brainstorm ensues...

Think about that for a minute. if you are on the balcony of success, you have a choice to make...you can either jump or you can go inside... what choice would you make? Essentially i have that choice to make. although i cant call what i am doing a success. but it is on the way. Yet i just want to jump. I cant stand the way i am treated, like i am second class. But if i can just stick it out for another year ill have enough experience to do this at another facility. I wont be piegon holed, ill be hiring material and i can work with kids...oh what to do what to do...

been a while

Too long since i vented...
so much going on
as i sit here tears are welling up in my eyes and i couldnt possibly tell you why. i don't even know where to start...BLAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hubby is almost home THANK GOD.
havent had sex since last year (literally)
best friend broke his back... has to get feeling back before he can walk again
got a new job
People are assholes
have no AC
Have no time
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The hole in my head

I went in on Wednesday. Hump Day, Anti-Procrastinations day.

I went to the dentist. As if that saying in itself isn't scary enough. It was an oral maxofacial Surgeon. I am a dentiphobic. The smell gets me, every time. And i Have this feeling that the the dental tech is somehow trying to save me, sending me unconscious messages to run away...as fast as i can. but instead of running like i want to, i stay and shake and hope the dentist is going to say something like "oh we made a mistake, that tooth is fine and will heal up in no time" Never happens...I always ask the same question "how much is this going to cost me?" usually it is a minimal amount. 60 bucks last time (for the 15th fucking x ray, on the same fucking tooth) but usually 20 per filing. But this time she says "i think it is $295"...HOLY CHIT...really? "but with your insurance i think it would be 50% of that"...to rip my tooth from my face 150 bucks seriously, you people should be paying me...Finally, out of shock I say "ok, thanks" she takes me out to a separate desk inside the office (behind the fish bowl window) well, come to find out the consult is not covered by my insurance. ...the consult is, i can only assume anyway, was when the Dentist came in and took a tongue depressor,pulled my cheek away from my face looked at my tooth, and said, "yup, sure does need to come out"... $105, for the consult and 150 for the procedure. holy hell

Finally (after 20 minutes back in the waiting room) they take me back, to the furthest room in a dark hall, there actually was a sign hanging that said "Restricted" [ heeby jeebies commence] i walk into the room, the smell of latex, and sanitizer filled my nose, making me want to puke then run, but i don't. i sit, shaking and attempting to breath. The rest happened so fast so ill just tell you how i remember it..
She rubbed the topical on my gums, and seemed to miss my tooth completely. Doc comes in with his trusty metal show horn. I feel my it on my cheek, it is cold and smells like sanitizer. "little pinch" he says. the tears start to fall. OK now the other side "little pinch on your palette for about 3 seconds" I sob...He leaves, as my teeth seem to detach from my face. he comes back "OK here we go"

the man had small fat fingers, he should not have been a dentist, or a gynecologist for that matter lol. In order for him to get his stubby little fingers in my mouth to rip the tooth out he literally was ripping my cheek away from my face, I have proof. My cheek is torn, right at the corner of my mouth. not chapped, fucking ripped.

Anywho, there was vibrations from the drill that i have never heard before, vibrations that went all the way to the top of my skull. i closed my eyes hoping that would make it better and also hoping that it would keep my eyes in their sockets. During the vibration, i thought i could see my brain, and it was changing colors with each switch of the drill. scary. I could do nothing but pray. Soon after i started prayer they were finished. He crammed some weird dissolving gauze into the hole where my tooth used to be. Put 3 stitches in it and was on his way. seconds later i hear coming from the room behind me "little pinch" and i think... really after torturing me for 30 min he just moves on to his next victim?

Mopless mopping

HAHAHAHA

PS the camera really does add 10 lbs :( i can only imagine what this would look like 15 lbs ago

The realization of the loss [of control]

I have always prided myself on being in control of my life. Apparently i was in denial. I just didn't realize i was actually being controlled by laundry, [affectionately called mount washmore] and other mundane SAHM tasks

Anywho I stumbled upon this website, and flylady. It is nothing short of Amazing, the routines are fantastic. It is amazing to me what i can do just following 2 routines (morning , and Night) All the others are just icing on the cake. My life is amazing.

I was the girl who would just Lay around in jammies on the days that the kiddos didn't have school, and wonder why my house wasn't cleaning itself...weird huh?. I would stumble out of bed 45 min before the kids had to be at school get them ready and drop them off in my jammies. I felt terrible about myself and even had terrible thoughts about mothers who somehow managed to get up and ready for the day before they dropped their children off. ( who do they think they are, caring about themselves and all? pppfffttt!!!! )

I have always been aware of how i felt when I am all made up...but "i never had time" I also never realized how i didn't feel when i was in my sweats.

When people would randomly show up at my house i would be embarrassed about how i looked, and how my home looked. I would rush to put on a bra and clean while company was at the house...how terrible.

I have turned a new Leaf

I have a little while until the hubby returns from his 3rd deployment, but i don't want to rush getting the house ready for his return. I started on little things (closets, laundry room, linen closet) I used to put off the little things to do these big tasks, so not the case anymore!!

I Am so proud of myself, i feel great and i have time for everything!!!! Kids, outings and myself!! And my house doesn't suffer in the process

I can do anything for 15 minutes!!!

***there are links all over this blog. if you have felt/feel the way i felt please save yourself some stress and click on them***

the circus ripoff

So the international all star circus made its way to Alaska, YAY right...
well for 20 bucks (plus Ticketmaster's, take it in the ass, convince charges) for an adult and 11 per child (+ some more take it in the ass charges) I was hopeing for a rocking ass show. the website talked about motorcycle tightrope, effing AWESOME, contortionists, jugglers, fun SHit...
well it was held at the UAF gym...thus the problems began

1. Low ceiling, thus no motorcycles, no flying trapeze
   
2. only room for one ring circus
3. 1 dollar per program, yes the program that talked about the motorcycle tightrope
   
4. 10 dollars for "authentic" light saber
5. 6 dollars for a cartoon shaped balloon
6. 2.50 for cold pretzels
7. and last but certainly not least...10 bucks for this

Yes, 10 dollars. For an underdeveloped Polaroid with a terrible excuse for a Dora.
This photo looks like it was taken in a smokey bar, stupid. Never again. I cant wait to get to the states so my children can experience a real circus. First order of business upon return to lower 48...Ringling Bros. Circus!!!

Babies, the Aftermath

I am i member of a social group for mothers, cafemom to be exact. I am involved in a group call work it out sexy mama. in this group there is a spring challenge where we are all broken up into groups of 4. Each pound lost is worth 1 point and each inch lost is also wotrh 1 point, there is a challenge to be completed each week that is worth 5 points. I tell you this because i want to tell you this...Which ever group has the most points wins this challenge, i dont know what we win, but i want to win it!!! This group is so motivateing. but there are some women that are so insecure about theyre strechmarks that They are not going to their highest potential. Me no likie. so i said this(and i truely believe it)

"My theory is, I worked very hard to make these babies.

At 19 I got pregnant with twins, And i delivered them at term vaginally. without an epidural. I freaking rock and i want the whole world to know :)

is that too concited? I am losing weight for me, to feel good, not to hide the aftermath of what my beautiful children did to my body. I love my strechmarks!!! (is that weird?)

I think we all have reasons to feel like superwoman, If you have a baby You are Awesome. ROCK IT"

Do you have any hang ups that hold you back? How can you change your ideas to make you better?